


the guilt of being me

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bittersweet Ending, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Castiel is Jack Kline's Parent, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Episode: s14e20 Moriah
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-28
Updated: 2019-12-28
Packaged: 2021-02-24 21:13:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22004524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Guilt, he came to realise, was an emotion he had become well acquainted with.
Relationships: Castiel & Jack Kline, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 22





	the guilt of being me

_Welcome to the end._ The words echoed, a cruel reminder, in his ears. No matter what he did, the image of Jack: eyes burnt, leaving dark, empty craters in its wake, stayed fresh in his mind. His once golden wings, etched into the earth, were now only a memory of him left behind in the graveyard.

 _You have an angel watching over you._ He had promised Kelly, _swore to her,_ that he would protect Jack. She had trusted him, put all her faith into him, and he had failed her. But then again, him failing the people he loved seem to be commonplace now. It came with a bitter taste in his mouth, remembering all the times he had let down his loved ones. Sam, by leaving his soul in hell. Sam had insisted he had forgiven him, it was a mistake. But was it? He could have tried harder, and maybe he would’ve saved Sam the trauma. He had disappointed Bobby, when he fell and didn’t have enough grace to heal Bobby of his injury. It was selfish, and had cost Bobby his soul. Mary, in so many ways, he had betrayed. It was his fault, that her boys had to endure so much pain. If only he was stronger, had tried harder, fought better. And then there was Dean. 

From the moment he _gripped him tight and raised him from perdition,_ he had doomed Dean Winchester. Crowley had presented him a deal, and he had taken it hook, line, and sinker. It hadn’t even taken much convincing on Crowley’s part; the idea of ruling heaven and defeating Raphael was enough for him to ignore the fact he was betraying Dean and Sam’s trust once again. Dean had put his trust in him, until the very end. Dean had given him the benefit of the doubt, defending him against Sam and Bobby’s mistrust. He would never forget the way Dean looked at him when he admitted to everything he had done. Dean had trusted him so much, and all he had done was let Dean down, over and over again.

The bunker was cold when they got home, all semblance of life void from the empty halls. No one spoke as they disposed of their belongings onto the table. Sam walked away without a word, retreating to his room with a loud slam of a door. 

For a long moment, he stood at the base of the stairs, staring at his feet. He could feel Dean’s pressing gaze on him, waiting for him to say something, anything. He walked past Dean and down the hall, the familiar taste of bile rising in his throat. Jack’s room. The door was slightly ajar, the desk lamp giving the room a dim light. He paused, hand hovering at the door. He walked in, leaving the door open, and sat on the bed. The room still felt like Jack. Pieces of his grace still lingering in the room. He felt tears welling up in his eyes as he fisted a handful of blankets. The faint scent of Jack’s cologne still stuck to the sheets. If he tried hard enough, he could pretend Jack was still here, still alive. 

“How you holding up, Cas?” He glanced up at Dean, standing in the doorframe. He shook his head with a sigh, his gaze falling away from Dean. “I know with Jack, and all,” he trailed off for a moment, “Listen, what I said back there...In the cabin, about you being dead to me. I didn’t mean it, I was just pissed and worried and I said shit I didn’t mean. You’re not dead to me, Cas. You know that right?” He didn’t respond, but made room and moved over so Dean could sit next to him on the bed. “You know that, right Cas?” Dean repeated in a softer tone, hand placed on the bed between them. He reached over and placed his hand atop Dean’s, quickly glancing up, a silent question of consent. Dean offered him a smile, their fingers intertwining with a soft squeeze from Dean. 

“Sometimes I think you’d be better off if I was.” He mumbled quietly, almost to himself. It was true; if he wasn’t involved with Dean, if he had just stayed dead, then maybe Mary would still be alive and Jack would be here in his room. Maybe if he didn’t come back, Gabriel would still be here with Sam. 

Dean scoffed, “Now that’s crap and you know it.” 

He shrugged, looking down at their hands to avoid eye contact with Dean. He heard an intake of breath, and felt Dean shift on the bed to face him. 

“Cas, man come on. You really think that? You think I’d be better off without you?” Dean asked, sounding desperate. 

“Dean, If I hadn’t had come back, Mary and Jack would still be alive. So would Gabriel and all the otherworld hunters. If I had just stayed dead, Jack wouldn’t have lost his soul.” He shot back, tugging his hand away. 

“That is such crap, Cas. You know how screwed we would be if you hadn’t had come back? Cas, without you we wouldn’t have even been able to open a portal to the other world, much less get Mom back. Plus, Jack needed you, you’re his father, who knows what the hell would’ve happened to him without you there. You had nothing to do with Gabriel dying, and you know that. That was Michael and Lucifer, not you. You can’t keep blaming yourself, Cas, okay? You can’t.” He saw the pleading look Dean gave him, matching his tone. He sighed and nodded, leaning into Dean’s side, his eyes sliding shut. He felt Dean’s arm wrap around him, pulling him closer. He melted into the embrace, finally letting the tears he had been holding back fall from his eyes. 

He may have failed Dean in the past, but in that moment, none of it mattered. All that mattered was that he was there, in Dean’s arms, safe. 


End file.
